recriminations

November 13th, 2012

Faint stirrings, a whimper, a frown that seems to melt your entire face like wax dripping down a candle, a frown that threatens to morph into a full-blown yowl. You turn restlessly to and fro, and I try to determine whether you’re about to cry in your sleep, pass tremendous gas, or howl to be fed. I hold my breath and watch you for clues. You start and stop, sputter like an antique automobile. Your movements begin to get more frantic, and I realize I have thirty seconds to run to the toilet if I absolutely must, and perhaps put on a pair of wireless headphones so that I can watch a movie during the hour it will take to feed you as you drift in and out of sleep, spit up, push away the bottle, then thrash your arms trying frantically to grasp it, eat, fart, pee, and finally raise your arms above your head as if in complete surrender to soundest sleep.

I know I am a horrible mother for entertaining myself while I feed you. Every minute spent with you should be valuable, and by squandering it on distractions I feel that I am shortchanging you. I am selfish.

I sit back down and pick you up, laying you down on your nursing pillow. (Well, feeding pillow. Nursing is a skill I haven’t quite mastered yet.) I can hear your cries and whimpers through the headphones, and I tell you reassuringly that it’s all right, that I’m going to tuck your burp cloth into the collar of your sleeper, and feed you a bottle of milk. (In the interest of brevity, and the hope that you’ll learn to associate the word with relief and the cessation of your plaintive cries, I refer to all bottle contents as “milk”, whether it is expressed breast milk or the organic formula I prepare for you by mixing filtered water with odd-smelling, yellowish powder.) The feel of the cloth around your neck is your Pavlovian bell–you stop crying and emit small, high-pitched grunting sounds as you root excitedly for the breast that won’t feed you. (In these moments, you sound a bit like a dolphin.) I pray the distraction of the burp cloth gives me sufficient reprieve to reach over, get your bottle (please, please, please let it be at least half full), remove the cap, position you accordingly, and offer you the silicone nipple in such a way that you latch properly and drink your meal without spitting up half of it down the burp cloth, your chin, neck, onesie. I have learned that frantic sucking while tossing your head right and left and making a sort of frustrated “mmf mmf mmf!” sound means that the nipple is screwed too tightly on your bottle and has consequently collapsed in your mouth, or that you are farting and/or pooping prodigiously and are uncomfortable eating at the same time. (When you’re done eating, I shall tell you that you are Captain Stinkypants, and that you require a diaper change–which you hate, but for which, I know, you are grateful when it’s all over.) I adjust your bottle, and wait for the sound of the gas passing, for which I praise you. “Good baby fart!” I say. (May all your achievements feel this satisfying.) If you make snorting piglet sounds, it means your head is tilted at the wrong angle, or your nose is stuffed. I use the horrible blue squeeze tube thing to vacuum the snot from your nostrils, which you hate (I’m so very sorry!).

You take the false nipple rather deftly and begin to eat. Having satisfied the urgency for sustenance, your eyes wander as you quietly suck your meal. You glance sideways, directly into my eyes. It’s more of a curious stare, the unwavering kind that is the hallmark of absolute guilelessness. Your brow is raised and furrowed. I hold your gaze and wonder what you’re thinking. “You’re the lady who feeds me,” I imagine you saying, “the one with the leaky protrusions.” Your almond-shaped eyes are wide, the dark grayish corneas with their pupils fixed on me. “I’m counting on you. Please don’t fuck this up.”

I can’t take it. It’s too much. I lean down and kiss your forehead, deeply inhale the scent of your hair. I look back at you and smile almost guiltily, tell you you’re a good baby (is there any other kind?).

You stare back as you knock back the “milk” with a faint “kuh, kuh, kuh” sound.

You’ve sussed me out. I’m not a real mother, I just play one on TV.

20 Responses to “recriminations”

  1. hoverboard 99$ tablet Says:

    hoverboard 99$ cruise

  2. video of hoverboard Says:

    video of hoverboard

  3. best Nike Air Max 95-360 Ultralight Heren Grey jogging schoenen Says:

    Quality articles is the key to be a focus for the viewers to pay a visit the web page, that’s what this site is providing.
    best Nike Air Max 95-360 Ultralight Heren Grey jogging schoenen

  4. großen Beitrag zu lesen Says:

    Als Mitglied der SLOW FOOD – Organisation setzen wir diese Ideen bei der Speisenzubereitung und bei der Auswahl der verwendeten Lebensmittel und Zutaten auch konsequent um.

  5. new hoverboard real or fake 105.7 Says:

    new hoverboard real or fake 3d

  6. hoverboard lambo doors Says:

    hoverboard lambo doors

  7. hoverboard 700 watt blender Says:

    hoverboard 700 watt blender

  8. hoverboard repair baton rouge Says:

    hoverboard repair baton rouge

  9. hoverboard reviews usa Says:

    hoverboard reviews cnet uk

  10. hoverboard terraria ios Says:

    hoverboard terraria ios

  11. hoverboard videos funny baby Says:

    hoverboard videos funny baby

  12. terraria hoverboard not working quotes Says:

    terraria hoverboard not working quotes

  13. hoverboard cheap australia Says:

    hoverboard cheap battery

  14. hoverboard xl review mouthshut Says:

    hoverboard xl bluetooth pairing

  15. hoverboard technologies price Says:

    hoverboard technologies skateboard 900

  16. hoverboard new laws in california restaurants Says:

    hoverboard new law in georgia 2016

  17. cheap oakley sunglasses Says:

    Never successfully duplicated аlthоugh often imitated, coach bags are famous internationally due to leading-edge fashion, style, and quality. When one thinks of top-quality leather bags, Coach іѕ whаt cоmes as the primary goal.
    cheap oakley sunglasses http://www.agfluide.com/

  18. hoverboard black cheap Says:

    hoverboard black ebay

  19. hoverboard new law florida questions Says:

    hoverboard new laws hydrocodone

  20. hoverboard new york city ban nhe Says:

    hoverboard new law in texas boating

  21. daily mail oakley orange Says:

    Greate article. Keep writing such kind of information on your site. Im really impressed by your blog

  22. hoverboard terraria console Says:

    hoverboard terraria console

  23. hoverboard laws starting january 1st Says:

    hoverboard laws starting january 1st

  24. Cheap Jerseys From China Says:

    Power of Presence: Think of someone you love unconditionally, no matter what they say or do. Ministry to Niche as well as also appropriate business units if you want to step up the organization as well as , dissemination in real industry’s admittance to also increase liveliness attacks, enviromentally friendly stability and in addition wide-ranging utilization of finances which includes the admittance tolerance as structured guidelines using width wise windshield toned glass is considered shared entry point difficulties, the latest “property tumbler enterprise, published interim settlement procedures, log on to difficulties” the particular related departments will certainly, as the past few guidelines could be granted. Most leaders and managers have had no simple way of getting.. Click on this website fasttimes.
    Cheap Jerseys From China [url=http://www.wholesalechinajerseysnfl.cc/]Cheap Jerseys From China[/url]

  25. hoverboard nz cheap flights Says:

    hoverboard nz shop dunedin

  26. hoverboard repair nj unemployment Says:

    hoverboard repair nj unemployment

  27. hoverboard charger noise Says:

    hoverboard charger noise

  28. hoverboard real o falso que Says:

    hoverboard real or fake 105.7

  29. hoverboard ny times jobs Says:

    hoverboard ny yankees

  30. hoverboard with samsung battery Says:

    hoverboard kids

  31. hoverboard 2016 invention Says:

    hoverboard 2016 back future

  32. hoverboard laws baton rouge Says:

    hoverboard laws baton rouge

  33. hoverboard black and gold Says:

    hoverboard black and gold

  34. hoverboard charger light green Says:

    hoverboard charger port broken

  35. hoverboard actually real Says:

    hoverboard actually real

  36. hoverboard video back to the future Says:

    hoverboard video fake

  37. Nike Scarpe Air Jordan Says:

    But, the particular quality within the footwear ‘s still maintained. Business hаѕ a lot moncler italia twо hundred years of good reputation. So, іt is not surprising how the overall quality оf shoes are maintained as muсh аs possible in spite оf іtѕ pricing. Staff quality, a variety of options оf colors, styles and epidermis footwear to аll your pick.
    Nike Scarpe Air Jordan

  38. hoverboard xl cheap uk Says:

    hoverboard xl video inc

  39. cheap air max Says:

    All the cold winter months Moncler clothing you yearn. But remember, іt is not recommended may spend extended periods of quantity of thе cold winter tracked. Even if thеу hаvе the thickest layers оf clothing, if thеу are exposed toо much, they are аt risk of gettіng feeling bad. Have thеm take short breaks at times to warm thеm with a cup оf hot chocolate. After playing outside, give thеm а hot bath tо expel thе cold. What puts sо manу well-known stars fond in moncler italia? I’m guessing thе important reason can bе as follows. Most оf us ѕuсh aѕ moncler coats men jackets,Moncler women jackets,Moncler kids jackets aѕ well.
    cheap air max

  40. hoverboard rules nsw rta Says:

    hoverboard rules las vegas

  41. subway surfers hoverboard not working Says:

    subway surfers hoverboard not working

  42. hoverboard cheap for sale Says:

    hoverboard cheap sg

  43. hoverboard brands not to buy Says:

    hoverboard brands not to buy

  44. hoverboard new law january 1st july Says:

    hoverboard new law january 1st july

  45. hoverboard repair orlando ucf Says:

    hoverboard repair orlando ucf

  46. Nike air max 90 pas cher Says:

    Moncler Jackets is nоw actively successfully navigating listing. Italy Carlyle Group haѕ Moncler48% оf thе shares. Progress of health now. In 2009, Moncler sales of 370 million euros in comparison to the previous year’s sales increased 23%. But Remo Ruffini declined to inquire into the IPO market.
    Nike air max 90 pas cher

Leave a Reply

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.
Creative Commons License