recriminations

November 13th, 2012

Faint stirrings, a whimper, a frown that seems to melt your entire face like wax dripping down a candle, a frown that threatens to morph into a full-blown yowl. You turn restlessly to and fro, and I try to determine whether you’re about to cry in your sleep, pass tremendous gas, or howl to be fed. I hold my breath and watch you for clues. You start and stop, sputter like an antique automobile. Your movements begin to get more frantic, and I realize I have thirty seconds to run to the toilet if I absolutely must, and perhaps put on a pair of wireless headphones so that I can watch a movie during the hour it will take to feed you as you drift in and out of sleep, spit up, push away the bottle, then thrash your arms trying frantically to grasp it, eat, fart, pee, and finally raise your arms above your head as if in complete surrender to soundest sleep.

I know I am a horrible mother for entertaining myself while I feed you. Every minute spent with you should be valuable, and by squandering it on distractions I feel that I am shortchanging you. I am selfish.

I sit back down and pick you up, laying you down on your nursing pillow. (Well, feeding pillow. Nursing is a skill I haven’t quite mastered yet.) I can hear your cries and whimpers through the headphones, and I tell you reassuringly that it’s all right, that I’m going to tuck your burp cloth into the collar of your sleeper, and feed you a bottle of milk. (In the interest of brevity, and the hope that you’ll learn to associate the word with relief and the cessation of your plaintive cries, I refer to all bottle contents as “milk”, whether it is expressed breast milk or the organic formula I prepare for you by mixing filtered water with odd-smelling, yellowish powder.) The feel of the cloth around your neck is your Pavlovian bell–you stop crying and emit small, high-pitched grunting sounds as you root excitedly for the breast that won’t feed you. (In these moments, you sound a bit like a dolphin.) I pray the distraction of the burp cloth gives me sufficient reprieve to reach over, get your bottle (please, please, please let it be at least half full), remove the cap, position you accordingly, and offer you the silicone nipple in such a way that you latch properly and drink your meal without spitting up half of it down the burp cloth, your chin, neck, onesie. I have learned that frantic sucking while tossing your head right and left and making a sort of frustrated “mmf mmf mmf!” sound means that the nipple is screwed too tightly on your bottle and has consequently collapsed in your mouth, or that you are farting and/or pooping prodigiously and are uncomfortable eating at the same time. (When you’re done eating, I shall tell you that you are Captain Stinkypants, and that you require a diaper change–which you hate, but for which, I know, you are grateful when it’s all over.) I adjust your bottle, and wait for the sound of the gas passing, for which I praise you. “Good baby fart!” I say. (May all your achievements feel this satisfying.) If you make snorting piglet sounds, it means your head is tilted at the wrong angle, or your nose is stuffed. I use the horrible blue squeeze tube thing to vacuum the snot from your nostrils, which you hate (I’m so very sorry!).

You take the false nipple rather deftly and begin to eat. Having satisfied the urgency for sustenance, your eyes wander as you quietly suck your meal. You glance sideways, directly into my eyes. It’s more of a curious stare, the unwavering kind that is the hallmark of absolute guilelessness. Your brow is raised and furrowed. I hold your gaze and wonder what you’re thinking. “You’re the lady who feeds me,” I imagine you saying, “the one with the leaky protrusions.” Your almond-shaped eyes are wide, the dark grayish corneas with their pupils fixed on me. “I’m counting on you. Please don’t fuck this up.”

I can’t take it. It’s too much. I lean down and kiss your forehead, deeply inhale the scent of your hair. I look back at you and smile almost guiltily, tell you you’re a good baby (is there any other kind?).

You stare back as you knock back the “milk” with a faint “kuh, kuh, kuh” sound.

You’ve sussed me out. I’m not a real mother, I just play one on TV.

20 Responses to “recriminations”

  1. bras online buy india Says:

    Sign up with the corporate and it’ll send out a label to mail in your drained previous bras
    – and you’ll do something nice for Mother Earth.

  2. BHPH NOTES Says:

    This page certainly has all the info I wanted about this subject and didn’t
    know who to ask.

    Here is my web page; BHPH NOTES

  3. go here Says:

    drug rehab killeen tx
    go here [url=http://www.portioncontroldiet.tk/tag/how-much-weight-can-you-lose-taking-laxatives]go here[/url]

  4. Sie sagte Says:

    Du kannst dich mit den Chatgirls via Cam2Cam unterhalten, und gleichzeitig sehen ob sich dir mollige Sexcam Girls mit grosser Oberweite vorstellen, denn viele Männer stehen auf fette Frauen Sex Cam mit Chat beim chatten vor den Sex Cams.

  5. Instagram Followers Hack Android Says:

    Fake Instagram followers are of no use to a business, because you aim at promoting
    your business, it would not be viable if there are no real users behind the followers’ accounts.
    When there are too many positive ions in the
    air, the body goes into serotonin overproduction, which in turn leads
    to hyperactive adrenal production. As your followers build, more people will
    find your page and you will be able to continue growing and building
    a good reputation.

  6. berlei bras online usa Says:

    berlei bras online usa

    an open cupboard » Blog Archive » recriminations

  7. poker online uang asli terpercaya Says:

    Hello to all, how is all, I think every one is getting more from this web site, and your views are pleasant for new
    users.

  8. Top-Artikel Says:

    Werde diesen Stil beibehalten.

  9. additional info Says:

    mobile alabama drug rehab
    additional info

  10. bra online india discount Says:

    Men might also want bras without embellishment (fancy straps or additional hardware) which may be harder to find.

  11. l Says:

    I am no longer positive the place you’re getting your information,
    but good topic. I must spend some time finding out
    much more or understanding more. Thanks for fantastic information I was on the lookout
    for this information for my mission.

  12. Read More Here Says:

    best korean skin care 2014
    Read More Here

  13. how to remove wallpaper border Says:

    Fantastic blog incredible material and wonderful design!
    You’re great webmaster! Should you seeking technique how-to eliminate wallpaper please check-out this amazing website with lessons that are basic.

    Look at my site: how to remove wallpaper border

  14. Rupert Loney Says:

    Hi There! We are looking for some people that might be interested in from working their home on a part-time basis. If you want to earn $100 a day, and you don’t mind writing some short opinions up, this is the perfect opportunity for you! Simply check out the link here NOW!

  15. electrodomesticos de bajo consumo Says:

    Contratos de Mantenimiento y Revisión Anual de Calderas: Solicite un Contrato de mantenimiento CALDEMAD para su caldera mural a gas, e incremente la vida de su aparato gracias a las revisiones periódicas realizadas por nuestro Servicio de Asistencia Técnica. Empresa especializada en la venta de repuestos de electrodomésticos, material eléctrico, reparación de electrodomésticos, instalación y venta de aire acondicionado, calderas y calentadores. Si necesita un repuesto de cualquier electrodoméstico y se ve capacitado para realizar usted mismo la reparación, nosotros se lo suministramos y le asesoramos tecnicamente de como llevar a cabo la reparación. Contamos con más de 50 profesionales a su disposición repartidos por todo Madrid.

  16. ab workout routines Says:

    Some genuinely marvelous work on behalf of the owner of this site, dead great content.

  17. Guia de consumo de electrodomesticos Says:

    Importante empresa del sector salud requiere auxiliar de compras Técnico en carreras administrativas con experiencia mínima de 1 año en manejo de órdenes de compras, cotizaciones, información de precios de compras y ventas de insumos de acuerdo a los requerimientos de la institución, información de licitaciones y manejo intermedio de Excel. Importante hospital pediátrico requiere Pediatra con experiencia en servicio de unidad de cuidado intermedio y hospitalización. Se requiere con urgencia, Ingenieros de sistemas con experiencia de 2 años superior en Desarrollo BI SQL – Oracle – Cognos.

  18. Gehe hier hin Says:

    Geile dicke Rubensdamen aus der Schweiz suchen erotische Sexkontakte, geile Treffen, aufregende Sex Abenteuer und romantische Sexdates.

  19. Zachary Lautaret Says:

    Hi There! We are searching for experienced people that are interested in from working their home on a full-time basis. If you want to earn $200 a day, and you don’t mind writing some short opinions up, this is the perfect opportunity for you! Simply check out the link here NOW!

  20. business casual shoes men Says:

    A business needs to make sure that all agreements related to business transactions and processes are updated and
    filed for future reference and a copy of this available in hand with everyone involved.

  21. great site Says:

    skin care health
    great site

  22. triumph bras online usa Says:

    triumph bras online usa

    an open cupboard » Blog Archive » recriminations

  23. Curso fotografia senac Says:

    En su centro tienen lugar procesos violentos de fusión nuclear y los dicharacheros y revoltosos núcleos de hidrógeno se dan de tortas calientes unos contra otros, quedándose embarazados durante un suspiro, y pariendo velozmente núcleos de helio, mientras lanzan gritos de energía luminosa y calorífica en forma de brillantes fotones que viajan lentamente hasta la lejana fotosfera.

  24. Fotógrafos canarios Says:

    Pero sobre todo hemos querido comprobar cómo a través de su memoria fotográfica podemos los investigadores del presente acercarnos al acontecimiento histórico, a las guerras, a la realidad de una España olvidada, de los protagonistas más relevantes y las imágenes que conmovieron a toda una generación, que sólo son recordadas muchas veces por la mirada del de fuera, de los fotógrafos internacionales.

  25. recommended you read Says:

    drug rehab centers in florida near orlando
    recommended you read

  26. manual fotografía digital Says:

    Gracias a vuestro excelente trabajo pudimos disfrutar de cada instante de un momento tan importante para nosotros, sin preocuparnos de nada, siempre estabais ahí en el momento justo, y seguimos disfrutando de ese día cada vez que vemos vuestro trabajo final. Estos archivos de datos se utilizarán con la finalidad de mantener la relación, sea no de tipo comercial, con aquellos individuos, empresas u organizaciones que por una u otra razón se han puesto de forma voluntaria en contacto con Jean Fotógrafos (Jepama, s.l.) , así como para informarles sobre nuestros servicios y/ los de otros colectivos del mismo ramo sector afines a nuestra empresa, que trabajen con nosotros.

  27. Www.Designyourownsiliconebracelet.com Says:

    I hae been absent for some time, but now I remember why I used to lpve this site.
    Thanks, I wiill try and check back more frequently. Howw
    frequently you update your web site?

  28. zusätzliche Ressourcen Says:

    Klinikalltag begegnen und taubheitsgefühl einseitig nach umzug deswegen gegessen habe mich war dabei trage als tip geben hatte.

  29. consejos fotografía social Says:

    Así, José Manuel Lucía Megías firmó en 2008 un artículo aparecido en Revista poética medieval que lleva por título La Informática Humanística: una puerta abierta para los estudios medievales en el siglo XXI” y más recientemente, en 2010, Francisco José Varela Pose ha escrito un trabajo titulado La Informática Humanística y la transmisión del texto digital” publicado en el libro colectivo Teoría del Humanismo.

  30. Consejos fotografía digital Says:

    Y evidentemente en las escuelas de cine hay recursos para participar constantemente en rodajes (aunque muchos ni se acaban no se molestan en enseñar el resultado a los compañeros que han colaborado) y siempre hay gente con ganas de rodar, con lo que para mi, insisto, lo mejor de las escuelas de cine son cuando de golpe se junta un grupito de alumnos que realmente les interesa hacer cine.

  31. apuntes fotografia artistica Says:

    Fotógrafo De Bodas En Granada Málaga La Capital De España Sevilla Jaen Fran Menez

  32. tickle Says:

    What’s up everyone, it’s my first visit at this
    web site, and article is genuinely fruitful in favor of
    me, keep up posting these posts.

  33. online grocery stores that accept ebt Says:

    My thought was to put together picture grocery listing for the
    children to make use of to find the items.

  34. Simon Naidu Says:

    I blog frequently and I genuinely appreciate your information. This great article has truly peaked my interest. I’m going to take a note of your website and keep checking for new information about once per week. I subscribed to your Feed too.

  35. canada celias Says:

    Hey! I’m at worek browsing your blog from my
    new aplple iphone! Just wantesd to say I loe reading your blog and look
    forward to all your posts! Carry on the great
    work!

    My webpage; canada celias

  36. Sausalito Ferry Schedule Says:

    Thanks to my father who told me regarding this blog, this blog is actually awesome.|

  37. hier veröffentlicht Says:

    Thema Liebe ist eine zufälliger Begegnung.

  38. adidas ultra boost uncaged Says:

    Slip into consolation after an extended day
    of training or participating in athletic actions by choosing a pair of adidas Superstar slider
    sandals Slider sandals are designed to supply a cushion of consolation that permits the feet to loosen up after partaking in strenuous actions all day
    long.

Leave a Reply

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.
Creative Commons License